16 5 / 2013
"What’s the point of living if you’re going to hate the world? Guard your heart if you have to, but don’t shut it away."
15 5 / 2013
I finally got my apology. Isn’t closure supposed to be something that makes you feel better, complete, like everything is going to be okay? So why does it make me feel even emptier than before? Someone told me that we hold on to pain because it’s such a strong feeling. I guess finally realizing I can let this go, means I can move on. And I don’t really know how to do that.
I could tell every time our eyes met, and by the way he stared at me, that there was so much he wanted to say. I don’t know what his past was like, and I don’t know why he did what he did, but a part of me always loved him. I don’t understand why. I knew in my heart that I had to say something, because he was never going to. So, on our last night of the semester, my graduation night from college… I hugged him. I hugged him, and looked up at him, and he hugged me back. When he looked down at me, everything was there. All the apologies, confusion, guilt, and pain, all mixed up together. I knew he cared about me. In that moment our eyes met, it was all there. Everything he should have said, but was too afraid to say.
And then I asked if he was coming back. And he said no.
I walked away, and got halfway down the sidewalk before everything broke. And I cried. I sat on a rock wall outside the bar on my college graduation and sobbed. The friend I was with just sat with me, and let me cry and cry and cry. I kept saying “he’s leaving,” over and over and over.
We went to get food at the pizza place where my friend used to work, and she got some food. I sat down and tried to control myself, but it is always fairly obvious to the entire world when I have been crying. We were there for about 10 minutes, and who should walk in, but him and a few of his friends. And his ex was the one that decided to console me… I pretended it was just graduation getting me emotional. She eventually left to join the three of them, and I sat on a table to wait for my friend. I tried not to look at them, but every time I looked over there, he looked down.
My friend took me home, and I wrote him a message. I told him everything I’d been wanting to say. I told him things he didn’t want to hear, but things that he needed to know. I told him how I would have, and still would do anything for him. And that I never, for one second stopped believing in him. And I told him how bad what he did hurt me, and that I didn’t regret punching him in the face. And I told him some of the things he said that night, and how I had finally realized how terrible my friends were last year. I told him that he broke my heart. I gave him my phone number, and told him that if he ever wanted to talk, he could call me. I told him, again, that I didn’t hate him.
Then I said “Well, I probably should have stopped writing a long time ago, but if you want to hear a song that will make you cry, listen to All Too Well by Taylor Swift.” That, I probably should have left out. I didn’t know how to end the message. How do you pour your heart out to someone, and just say, “okay, bye,”? I’m so glad I told him all those things-even the song- because it is the song that reminds me of him.
Message sent: 3:30am.
Message seen: 3:31am.
Around 4am, he texted me to tell me he replied, and I said I would read it in the morning.
“I’ll read it in the morning.”
“Sorry it was so long.”
“yeah it was hella long, btw songs don’t make me cry.”
“I’m sure you never cry. Go to sleep.”
“Well maybe I don’t want to sleep.”
“Fine. You can do whatever you want. I’m going to sleep.”
“I feel like you’re still hating on me.”
I told him that I didn’t hate him. I said that if I did, I wouldn’t have written a ridiculously long message, and that I was tired. I said that I’d been trying to get him to talk to me all semester, but I couldn’t have that conversation at 4am. He said we would talk the next day, “when sober.”
I texted him to tell him I was leaving in the afternoon, and he said he was leaving right then… to STL then Chicago on Monday. My friend came over and I read his reply. He told me it sounded like I was emotional, and he told me that I was disrespectful to punch him in the face. The reply was long, and defensive, but it was an apology.He told me it’s good I figured out who my friends are. He told me he is an asshole, and he agrees that he wasn’t very nice to me. He said “you should stay away from guys like me.”
As much pain as I went through because of what he did, it changed me for the better. I learned how to let someone love me, and I learned how to be honest with myself. I learned to have confidence in who I am, and what I believe. Maybe I’ll see him again someday, or maybe I won’t. I’m telling myself that he is going to figure his life out, because I believe he will.
I never gave up. I never stopped believing what I told him that night, “you’re good somewhere on the inside.” He is… somewhere. It breaks my heart that he hates himself so much, and there is nothing I can do to make him see that he is capable of being a wonderful person. It’s probably good for everyone involved that he is not coming back, but I know it is going to take a long, long time for me to get over this.
The eyes said it all, just like I knew they would. So that gives me hope. I’m gonna be okay.
13 5 / 2013
"It’s important in life to conclude things properly. Only then can you let go. Otherwise you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse."
11 5 / 2013
“Even if you know how something is going to end, it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the ride.”-Ted.
I am so full of mixed emotions right now, for a lot of reasons, but graduation is definitely the biggest. I have so much to say, but I don’t really know how right now. It’s is crazy to think about everything that has happened the past four years- good and bad. I’ve grown so much, and I am so thankful to those that have been there for me throughout this amazing, beautiful, scary time in our lives.
“Happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time. It’s miserable and magical.”-TSwift; 22